Clary Diary

Long post ahead, but I hope I've touched your lives in one way or another. I haven't talked about this before. Only my closest friends know about it, not even all of my relatives. PWD ako. Orthopedic disability. I was diagnosed with Lumbar Radiculopathy, a herniated disc problem that could progress over time. The doctor warned me that there will come a time when I’ll be bedridden, and I won’t be able to control my bowel movements. I’ll pee and poop in bed, half-dead, and I won’t know when this might happen. I didn’t speak about this before. Aside from not wanting to be a burden, I didn’t want to dwell on it because I knew it would drain my strength. I was diagnosed in 2017. Therapy and medication couldn’t help anymore. Believe me, I tried everything, but surgery is the only solution. I need to prepare 500k, and that’s just for the hospital bill alone, not to mention the professional fees for the two teams of doctors, since it would be a major operation. I suffered from severe d...

Don't look at the surface. There is more to that. There's more to this apparently friendly, cheerful, and strong woman than meets the eye. She handles almost everything on her own. There are times when she feels that the world is on her shoulders but she always choose to endure it without passing the burden to anybody else. She trained herself to put the "happy mask" on when she has to face the world outside because she knew that everybody around her is sticking their nose into her life waiting for her downfall. She wouldn't give that kind of satisfaction to them. She trained herself to find positivity amidst every negative situation. She tries to find solution instead of playing the whining and blaming game. And what's good about her? She's happy seeing other people happy. She loves to be surrounded by happy people who she thinks will help her uplift her spirit. She got betrayed so many times by the people she trusted too much, by the people she shared he...

It has been 25 days after my birthday and as usual, adulthood has eaten me alive. I saw a post from a page asking "What would you like to tell to your younger self?" Instead of answering this long to the comment section, I decided to blog about it. Here it goes: Dear Younger Self, You should’ve finish your studies instead of engaging to premarital sex at the age of 16 and got pregnant at 18. Keep your promises to your parents no matter how hard it takes because you’re gonna feel guilty about it. Though you wouldn’t regret having 3 kids in the future, but you’re going to wish for a better and more comfortable life with a bigger house of your own, emergency money in the bank and an SUV. So, you gotta be thrifty. Spend your teenage years by trying a lot of adventures with your friends instead of working like a dog at an early age of 15. Well, I know the universe didn’t give you any choice. Anyways, expect yourself to be one badass woman when you grow older. You’ll be a s...

I am not the type of person who exerts effort and try to blend in because I know what I want and I know who I am. I just want to be okay with everybody. And okay means no exceptions, no pressure, no demands, no negativity, no dramas. Chill, cheerful and steady. I only wish to be valued, to be appreciated, and to always be remembered by the people that I Iaughed with and spent special moments with, through good times and bad times. Because if you would get a chance to know me better and be closer to me, you would know how much I value people. You’ll see and feel my sincerity.  I’ve got a very few trusted friends whom I never get a chance to spend time with as much as I want to simply because we already have our own priorities but whenever I need them, they are always one chat away. Though I know I can manage to be alone and most of the time I opted to be alone and be independent, I still want people to remember me at happy times. How I’ve touched their lives and how I made them sm...

First in 2019. Yes, I’ve got plans, I have a few wishes, but I completely surrender eveything to Him. I know I don’t have the power to make everything possible and all of the things in my favor. I just have to trust His plans, and his will, however it may be. I just want Him to walk beside me and remind me constantly that I can, that I am strong enough to get through it. 🙏 2019 Planner from Mercury Drug

When can I accept the reality that there will be kids who will look at my son with special needs, and whisper at each other then giggle? I know they are still kids but I hope that there will also be parents who would have the initiative to teach their children the awareness and compassion, kindness, patience and understanding towards kids with special needs, with visible disability or not, because there will always be kids like Joaqui in our society, whether at the malls, in  school, at the church, at the grocery especially in your neighborhood who has parents that will get hurt and deeply pained when their kids are being laughed at. Let us teach our children to learn the value of special friendships. Let us encourage kind behavior. It is never too early to teach our children about being nice at all times. They may not yet verbalize it, but they can understand it. I don't want to see any more special needs children being laughed at and bullied by other children. I’m a mom, and thi...

An 8-months premature baby boy who weighs more than 1 kilo, too small and thin, the rib cage are visible that nobody has the courage to carry you except me, who was in and out of the hospital and endured the pain from hundreds of needle inserts, is now going to a regular school and is continuing to make us proud and amazed by how you’re taking baby steps to be able to catch up with your peers. I h ope you’d understand that you don’t have to be exactly like them, I just want you to live happy and independently. You alone is a miracle when I almost give up and had fears back then that God will take you away from us. But you turned out to be a living proof that God will never give me more than I can handle and I believe that He will continue to guide us and provide for us as we take this journey hand in hand. I pray every night that the Lord will bless you with kind-hearted people who will look after you, protect you and love you when Mama and Papa are not around. Sounds morbid but I alwa...

Most of our mornings, before going to school, Joaqui has this mood swings caused by petty things. He gets easily annoyed whether it is about his breakfast, or his baon that he doesn't like, or when his school service hasn't arrived yet because he really hates waiting, or when one of his pencils is missing. One minute he's jolly, another minute he's cranky. This is something that I have to deal with a lot of patience and understanding every morning. 

Today marks my first month and 19th day since the motorcycle accident. I’ve had 21 surgical staples and 13 stitches on my left foot that underwent surgical debridement. Life is unpredictable. We’ll never know what’s gonna happen next. Anything can change in a blink of an eye, in a snap of a finger. Our lives can turn upside down in a millisecond. Ironic at times. Full of surprises. Expect the unexpected. 3 days before the accident :( Monday, 5am. I received a text message from Joaqui’s school service that he will not be able to fetch Joaqui for 2 weeks because he’s sick. Okay, I’m doomed. I didn’t anticipate this since I’ve been caught up with loads of household works, my printing deadline, the demands in spreads, not to mention that my youngest Miguel is acting up in school and he doesn’t want me to leave. I also have a spine problem so I wasn’t allowed to carry anything heavy and has been told to avoid long walks. I’m spending a couple of hours every week pra...

A child with special needs often attracts attention from the public. We always notice a side look, a stare of humiliation or whispers when they think we're not looking. I sometimes pick up a fight especially when we're in a public transportation. My husband said, "let's try to get use to it. Ganun talaga." But no, I don't think I would ever get used to it. Sometimes it gives me a lot of stress because it affects my mood. I get easily annoyed when their glance become a stare that lasted for more than 5 seconds. What more if I caught them talking inside their hands while looking at my son. I don't like to think what I'll probably do.  Joaqui looks like just a normal kid at first glance. His invisible disability gets noticed when he started to speak. He is speech delayed. He is already eleven years old but he talks like a four-year old boy. He sometimes get cranky when it's hot in the jeepney or when it's cramped. He will shout "Ouch...

There were good days and bad days. Times of celebration and frustration. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. My life as a special needs mom is like a roller coster ride, exciting yet fulfilling, over flowing with emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm hiking the most difficult terrain, not like most of the normal moms usually do. Looking around, I've got a lot of why's and how's, puzzled by who to blame or will I ever have to blame somebody for feeling like this? There were nights that I feel angry and disappointed at myself, mad at myself for being mad, frustrated at myself for being frustrated. There were nights when I don't know what to feel anymore, half numb and half oppressed by reality. There were moments when I feel like I am not enough, that what I do are still not enough, that whatever I do will never be enough. In times like this, I know, I'm certain, that I need to help myself. There will never be anyone who can make me feel good about myself but just...

It's been a while since I last visited my virtual friend. Today might have been too heavy to bear alone so here I am, saying... "Hi, it's been a while." I have trust issues. Maybe because I was betrayed for several times already. I also do not know if being a person who can easily read emotions is an advantage or disadvantage for being doubtful at times. Or maybe because having lots of judgmental, backstabber and untrustworthy people around made me uncomfortable of showing my emotions too easily. I have a few friends. Too few that my fingers on one hand is too much. It is because I couldn't tolerate having two-faced people in my life. My friends are usually my enemy at first meeting, or a person that I do not like at first glance, or the person that annoyed me before and eventually became one of my best friends. I think it is because we're alike and that we all have strong personality and too upfront. In other words, often misunderstood. I never love...

I thought it was just one of those ordinary tiring days. Household chores and being a mom to three boys and a small entrepreneur myself have keeping me drained and exhausted most of the time. My day starts at 4am to cook for my eldest who is now in Grade 11, then attend to Joaqui's needs, send him to school at 8:30am, then the rest of my days would be spent in numerous household chores and taking care of my small business. Every single day is mostly tiring for me. I get a little time for myself at night when the kids are all asleep, normally at around 11pm. It only means I'd be able to do the things that I wanted to do if I would stay up late which I don't have a choice if I need to do something without disturbance. I sometimes get a short nap in the afternoon whenever I had a chance. But overall, I'm lacking of rest and sleep. That week has been unusual for me. I noticed that I feel weak and get tired so easily even brushing my teeth feels so tiring that I want t...

September 24, Saturday, marks a special day for Joaqui. He was so ecstatic when we told him that we're gonna buy his hearing aid today. Let me refresh you with this post  Keeping The Faith . As soon as he get up from bed, I already told him to get ready because we're going to buy his hearing aid. He clasped his hands with wide smile and big rounded eyes, then exclaimed "Yesss! Hearing aid, Mama?" I was teary eyed, nod my head, and told him, "Oo, bibili na tayo ng hearing aid mo." You know that overwhelming feeling of a mom, when you do not know how to contain your happiness. I just want to see him wear a good class of hearing aid, and I couldn't wait to see his reaction. He underwent the fitting, the testing, and when it was finally turned on, he cheerfully whooped, looked into our eyes and beamed. He may not express by words the happiness that he feels at the moment but you can see it on his face and by the way he genuinely smiles at us....

There are people who will feed you with misleading information, one-sided opinion, edited stories, trash talks, and will manipulate your mind to get mad and your heart to be filled with anger. As much as possible I want to avoid such people who will throw negativity upon me. 

I have always been fascinated with DIY  ever since I was a little girl. I remember creating my own typewriter toy made from bond paper and get amused by the realistic sound it produced whenever I tap it with my fingers. I also built my own doll house made from shoe box and created toy furnitures from cartons and a doll closet out of zesto box and popsicle sticks. Yes, I'm a small-time artistic geek in my own little ways. My DIY Memo-Board

As a full-time housewife, I always have a feeling that I'm obliged to stretch out the budget and find affordable dishes until the next "sweldo" arrives. My kids are picky eaters. They don't eat veggies especially if they see it in chunks. So, as much as possible, I try to incorporate one or two kinds of veggies to the viand and make it appear appealing to their eyes with the hidden veggies in it. Home-cooked Burger Steak

This is a follow up post to my "project" which was tackled on my previous post entitled  Keeping The Faith . I'm starting to feel dismayed but trying to understand things straight. The loan wasn't released and needed another month of processing. We weren't approved for financial assistance at work because it wasn't about being hospitalized nor death. I was dumped by 4 people in a span of 5 days. And some left me hanging without assurance. How would I take all of these?

As I was sorting out Joaqui's medical documents, I found these remains of our solicitation letter attached with his medical records and doctors' certificates 6 years ago. The time when we were trying to gather a huge amount of money for his first ever set of hearing aid.  January 2010 All the memories flashed back and made me so emotional when I remember how my husband and I almost begged different people and politicians for financial assistance.

"... Because Joaqui has brothers, he will always have the best of friends..." I have 3 boys. My eldest is 16, my second is 9 and my youngest is 2. Maybe the universe knows that I am “one of the boys” since childhood til my high school days so I think I was destined to have all boys kids and it’s perfectly fine with me. My second child was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay  since he was only 1 year old. His delayed motor skills, intellectual disability, low social skills and speech delay are the factors why he wasn’t capable of earning a lot of friends at home and in school. He couldn’t cope up with their role-playing games and he doesn’t understand most of the kids’ petty talks about the newest toys in the market, the places that they want to visit, up to their favorite cartoons on TV because of his speech delay. Another thing is, he is hyperactive so most of his actions like being giddy, roaming and jumping around, and most of his “ kakulitan ” were often mi...