Long post ahead, but I hope I've touched your lives in one way or another.
I haven't talked about this before. Only my closest friends know about it, not even all of my relatives.
PWD ako. Orthopedic disability.
I was diagnosed with Lumbar Radiculopathy, a herniated disc problem that could progress over time. The doctor warned me that there will come a time when I’ll be bedridden, and I won’t be able to control my bowel movements. I’ll pee and poop in bed, half-dead, and I won’t know when this might happen. I didn’t speak about this before. Aside from not wanting to be a burden, I didn’t want to dwell on it because I knew it would drain my strength.
I was diagnosed in 2017. Therapy and medication couldn’t help anymore. Believe me, I tried everything, but surgery is the only solution. I need to prepare 500k, and that’s just for the hospital bill alone, not to mention the professional fees for the two teams of doctors, since it would be a major operation. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for I don’t remember how long. If it weren’t for the realization that I still have kids who depend on me and for all the friends who encouraged me that I still have life to live, I wouldn’t have been able to force myself to get up. That was enough reason to fight and search for anything that might work.
I consulted with different orthopedic doctors. I underwent various rehab approaches, but nothing changed. I even had chiropractic treatment that cost 4k per session and required two sessions a week, which put me into a 6-digit debt that I dealt with alone. The pain decreased, but it didn’t bring about a major change.
Aside from needing a large amount of money, I’m too scared to take the risk because the chances are 50-50. It’s the spine, and all nerves are connected to the brain.
There’s a chance that after the operation, I might not be able to walk again or, worse, I might not wake up at all. It could get better, but it could also get worse.
Over the years since my diagnosis, I’ve spoken to different doctors, and it all boils down to “there’s a 50-50 chance.” It’s hit or miss.
I decided not to undergo spine surgery because most of them told me, “Yes, it’s possible that after the operation, instead of being able to walk, you might never walk again. It is a risk to take, especially in the Philippines.”
I’ve been in pain for almost a decade now, but I’d like to believe that it’s still manageable, although getting worse is inevitable. My disc problem is leading to another onset of scoliosis and damaging another section of my spine.
There are good days, and there are bad days. There were times when my back pain was unbearable. I’ve had moments where a sudden burning sensation in my feet felt like stepping on a hot iron plate, and I had to search for a cold tile to ease the feeling. I’ve felt numbness in my feet and legs, creeping up my spine. There were instances when my legs would suddenly weaken, and I had to grab onto something to avoid falling. There were nights when extreme leg cramps woke me up in the middle of a sound sleep.
It is not easy to live in pain; it’s devastating. But I have to accept it and get used to it to keep going in life.
Maybe the universe saw that my burden was already too heavy, and that’s why it decided to lighten my load by removing people who only made things worse.
The day I decided to get up and face the world again, I came to many realizations.
I still have a life to live. I still have the chance to look at the broad blue sky, feel the breeze on my face, hear the calming sound of the waves, taste different kinds of food, see places I’ve never been, experience new things that make me feel alive, and, most importantly, feel the warm embrace of the few people who love me sincerely.
I chose to appreciate all the good things left after the violent storm. This same storm took away a number of people close to my heart who I thought would stand by me through thick and thin, but I was wrong. They walked away one by one, leaving a deep wound and a lasting scar.
I saw it as a blessing in disguise, realizing it was one of God’s ways of showing me who would choose to stay even when I wasn’t at my best.
Don’t pity me. Just hear me out and understand that my life is not always rainbows and butterflies, as you might see on my social media. I am sharing this because I know I’m not the only one facing such challenging situations right now. I hope somehow I’ve inspired you and made you realize that we have to continue living. We need to get up for the people who still believe in us, appreciate what’s left, leave the things behind that no longer serve us, and walk away from situations that threaten our peace of mind. Stop wasting energy trying to force something that isn’t meant to be.
I am trying to live. I have to give myself what is long overdue.
I haven't talked about this before. Only my closest friends know about it, not even all of my relatives.
PWD ako. Orthopedic disability.
I was diagnosed with Lumbar Radiculopathy, a herniated disc problem that could progress over time. The doctor warned me that there will come a time when I’ll be bedridden, and I won’t be able to control my bowel movements. I’ll pee and poop in bed, half-dead, and I won’t know when this might happen. I didn’t speak about this before. Aside from not wanting to be a burden, I didn’t want to dwell on it because I knew it would drain my strength.
I was diagnosed in 2017. Therapy and medication couldn’t help anymore. Believe me, I tried everything, but surgery is the only solution. I need to prepare 500k, and that’s just for the hospital bill alone, not to mention the professional fees for the two teams of doctors, since it would be a major operation. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for I don’t remember how long. If it weren’t for the realization that I still have kids who depend on me and for all the friends who encouraged me that I still have life to live, I wouldn’t have been able to force myself to get up. That was enough reason to fight and search for anything that might work.
I consulted with different orthopedic doctors. I underwent various rehab approaches, but nothing changed. I even had chiropractic treatment that cost 4k per session and required two sessions a week, which put me into a 6-digit debt that I dealt with alone. The pain decreased, but it didn’t bring about a major change.
Aside from needing a large amount of money, I’m too scared to take the risk because the chances are 50-50. It’s the spine, and all nerves are connected to the brain.
There’s a chance that after the operation, I might not be able to walk again or, worse, I might not wake up at all. It could get better, but it could also get worse.
Over the years since my diagnosis, I’ve spoken to different doctors, and it all boils down to “there’s a 50-50 chance.” It’s hit or miss.
I decided not to undergo spine surgery because most of them told me, “Yes, it’s possible that after the operation, instead of being able to walk, you might never walk again. It is a risk to take, especially in the Philippines.”
I’ve been in pain for almost a decade now, but I’d like to believe that it’s still manageable, although getting worse is inevitable. My disc problem is leading to another onset of scoliosis and damaging another section of my spine.
There are good days, and there are bad days. There were times when my back pain was unbearable. I’ve had moments where a sudden burning sensation in my feet felt like stepping on a hot iron plate, and I had to search for a cold tile to ease the feeling. I’ve felt numbness in my feet and legs, creeping up my spine. There were instances when my legs would suddenly weaken, and I had to grab onto something to avoid falling. There were nights when extreme leg cramps woke me up in the middle of a sound sleep.
It is not easy to live in pain; it’s devastating. But I have to accept it and get used to it to keep going in life.
Maybe the universe saw that my burden was already too heavy, and that’s why it decided to lighten my load by removing people who only made things worse.
The day I decided to get up and face the world again, I came to many realizations.
I still have a life to live. I still have the chance to look at the broad blue sky, feel the breeze on my face, hear the calming sound of the waves, taste different kinds of food, see places I’ve never been, experience new things that make me feel alive, and, most importantly, feel the warm embrace of the few people who love me sincerely.
I chose to appreciate all the good things left after the violent storm. This same storm took away a number of people close to my heart who I thought would stand by me through thick and thin, but I was wrong. They walked away one by one, leaving a deep wound and a lasting scar.
I saw it as a blessing in disguise, realizing it was one of God’s ways of showing me who would choose to stay even when I wasn’t at my best.
Don’t pity me. Just hear me out and understand that my life is not always rainbows and butterflies, as you might see on my social media. I am sharing this because I know I’m not the only one facing such challenging situations right now. I hope somehow I’ve inspired you and made you realize that we have to continue living. We need to get up for the people who still believe in us, appreciate what’s left, leave the things behind that no longer serve us, and walk away from situations that threaten our peace of mind. Stop wasting energy trying to force something that isn’t meant to be.
I am trying to live. I have to give myself what is long overdue.
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