Clary Diary

There were good days and bad days. Times of celebration and frustration. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. My life as a special needs mom is like a roller coster ride, exciting yet fulfilling, over flowing with emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm hiking the most difficult terrain, not like most of the normal moms usually do. Looking around, I've got a lot of why's and how's, puzzled by who to blame or will I ever have to blame somebody for feeling like this? There were nights that I feel angry and disappointed at myself, mad at myself for being mad, frustrated at myself for being frustrated. There were nights when I don't know what to feel anymore, half numb and half oppressed by reality. There were moments when I feel like I am not enough, that what I do are still not enough, that whatever I do will never be enough. In times like this, I know, I'm certain, that I need to help myself. There will never be anyone who can make me feel good about myself but just...

I thought it was just one of those ordinary tiring days. Household chores and being a mom to three boys and a small entrepreneur myself have keeping me drained and exhausted most of the time. My day starts at 4am to cook for my eldest who is now in Grade 11, then attend to Joaqui's needs, send him to school at 8:30am, then the rest of my days would be spent in numerous household chores and taking care of my small business. Every single day is mostly tiring for me. I get a little time for myself at night when the kids are all asleep, normally at around 11pm. It only means I'd be able to do the things that I wanted to do if I would stay up late which I don't have a choice if I need to do something without disturbance. I sometimes get a short nap in the afternoon whenever I had a chance. But overall, I'm lacking of rest and sleep. That week has been unusual for me. I noticed that I feel weak and get tired so easily even brushing my teeth feels so tiring that I want t...

September 24, Saturday, marks a special day for Joaqui. He was so ecstatic when we told him that we're gonna buy his hearing aid today. Let me refresh you with this post  Keeping The Faith . As soon as he get up from bed, I already told him to get ready because we're going to buy his hearing aid. He clasped his hands with wide smile and big rounded eyes, then exclaimed "Yesss! Hearing aid, Mama?" I was teary eyed, nod my head, and told him, "Oo, bibili na tayo ng hearing aid mo." You know that overwhelming feeling of a mom, when you do not know how to contain your happiness. I just want to see him wear a good class of hearing aid, and I couldn't wait to see his reaction. He underwent the fitting, the testing, and when it was finally turned on, he cheerfully whooped, looked into our eyes and beamed. He may not express by words the happiness that he feels at the moment but you can see it on his face and by the way he genuinely smiles at us....

There are people who will feed you with misleading information, one-sided opinion, edited stories, trash talks, and will manipulate your mind to get mad and your heart to be filled with anger. As much as possible I want to avoid such people who will throw negativity upon me. 

This is a follow up post to my "project" which was tackled on my previous post entitled  Keeping The Faith . I'm starting to feel dismayed but trying to understand things straight. The loan wasn't released and needed another month of processing. We weren't approved for financial assistance at work because it wasn't about being hospitalized nor death. I was dumped by 4 people in a span of 5 days. And some left me hanging without assurance. How would I take all of these?

As I was sorting out Joaqui's medical documents, I found these remains of our solicitation letter attached with his medical records and doctors' certificates 6 years ago. The time when we were trying to gather a huge amount of money for his first ever set of hearing aid.  January 2010 All the memories flashed back and made me so emotional when I remember how my husband and I almost begged different people and politicians for financial assistance.

A couple of months ago, I remember how people talked behind my back just because I wasn't able to give something in monetary during my beloved Lola's special day as planned. What they do not know is we were down-and-out during those days, had an instant noodles for lunch and that I only had to borrow  money from a neighbor to be able to come and also pay debt to someone. We even needed to surpass the storm with my children because I really wanted to see my Lola even if I know that I have nothing to give because I only want to see her on her birthday. Later on, I found out that there were people who are actually smiling at me and even thanked me for coming talked behind my back and criticized me just because I've got nothing to give. Knowing myself, I could have given them a call and curse them for judging me without knowing the real situation why I didn't have the envelope to give.

San Pedro Central School Special Education Department has come up with its first Run for a Cause Event entitled “Takbo Para Sa May Kapansanan 2015” for the benefit of the SpEd Children of San Pedro Central School. I have a child with special needs. Joaqui was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay Syndrome. A disability that shows delay in intellectual, fine-motor skills, gross-motor skills, socialization and communication. He was one of the SpEd students at San Pedro Central School for 3 years. Every single day of those 3 years has become memorable to me. The differently abled children have opened my eyes to humility, compassion, kindness, perseverance, unconditional love and simple joys. My son Joaqui (center) with his SpEd teacher Sir Marlon SpEd Students of San Pedro Central School

I am the child that looks healthy and fine. I was born with ten fingers and toes. But something is different, somewhere in my mind. And what it is, nobody knows. I am the child that struggles in school. Though they say that I'm perfectly smart. They tell me I'm lazy, can learn if I try. But I don't seem to know where to start.

Dear Lord,                 I know you can see me, you can hear me weep, and you can feel my pain. I am having a difficult, high-risk pregnancy. It is even more difficult being alone without a help from anyone to constantly attend to the needs of the kids and take care of the household chores when the doctor advised me to take a complete bed rest.  What breaks my heart is to see my kids calling me in the morning to prepare breakfast when I am at risk if I do so.  Certainly, I would still take the risk with a thought that you, oh Lord, would never put me in danger. It is also hard to see my husband’s sacrifices when he has to clean the house while preparing our lunch and bathe my kid right after he put his bag on the table after work. I know how tiring it is for him but I never heard even a single complain. He does everything, sacrificed a lot with full of hopes and encouragement that we can get...

My eldest son, Ken, is already 7 years old when I got pregnant again with JOAQUI. It was a high risk and difficult pregnancy for me. I experience bleeding on my first trimester up to the eight month before I gave birth. I was always in the hospital due to occasional cramps that I am going through.  My OB-Gynecologist advised me to have a bed rest for a couple of months or until my condition gets really well. My loving husband took care of me while he’s at home before going to work, as well as my mom but she doesn’t live in our house, she just visits me from time to time and relatives who live nearby. They made sure that everything I need is not just a step away, but exactly beside my bed. But of course, I can’t avoid the situation that I had to get up because I have a 7-year old son who’s going to school every morning. Of course I am a mom and I can’t just be lying in bed while my son needs me to button down his school uniform and prepare his cereal in the morning. It’s not a he...