I have trust issues. Maybe because I was betrayed for several times already. I also do not know if being a person who can easily read emotions is an advantage or disadvantage for being doubtful at times. Or maybe because having lots of judgmental, backstabber and untrustworthy people around made me uncomfortable of showing my emotions too easily.
I have a few friends. Too few that my fingers on one hand is too much. It is because I couldn't tolerate having two-faced people in my life. My friends are usually my enemy at first meeting, or a person that I do not like at first glance, or the person that annoyed me before and eventually became one of my best friends. I think it is because we're alike and that we all have strong personality and too upfront. In other words, often misunderstood.
I never loved neighborhood. I do not like other people meddling with my personal life, my decisions and every bits of actions that they see. From the way I dress to the time I came home, there will always be prying eyes that greet me as soon as I step out of the gate.
There will always be judgmental people. They are everywhere.
Some people think I'm living an easy life. That my world revolves around wandering, spending on things that I do not need and having fun. They do not know how hard it is to juggle my responsibilities with my two hands. I am an independent person. My happiness do not rely on other people. I provide for my needs and as much as possible, I do not like to disturb other people. I do not like the feeling of being helpless. I hate asking favors. There is only one reason. Upbraid. There are people who are so good in counting, counting the things that they have done for you and mightily throw it back to your face.
I encountered one this morning.
Who made us feel like my kids are like cats hugging their feet that they really wanted to kick aside. Every single nerve in my body had shaken, every drop of my blood reached the boiling point when I heard that person yelled at my three-year old son just because he's disturbing him.
My kids are not just random kids who played around their backyard. What makes it harder to digest is because we're family. Blood related.
I couldn't help myself but to put down the dishes and run towards that person, grabbed my little one back and let all my clenched-for-a-long-time emotions out. I suddenly saw myself bursting to tears while shouting with my lungs out. I felt like all the negative feelings, exhaustion, angst, including self-pity run through my veins and transformed me into a dangerous beast. A furious mother beast.
This is what I fear most about myself. My angst are uncontrollable. I am poor in holding my anger back. But that moment, I never regret everything I said. It felt like it was such a relief, to let it all out.
After everything that happened, I felt lighter. I went inside the room, turned the lights off, sat down and breathe. Utter a little prayer and get back to my kids.
Sometimes, it is good to let all your emotions out and let other people know how you really feel. It is the only way to find your inner peace.
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