Clary Diary

When can I accept the reality that there will be kids who will look at my son with special needs, and whisper at each other then giggle? I know they are still kids but I hope that there will also be parents who would have the initiative to teach their children the awareness and compassion, kindness, patience and understanding towards kids with special needs, with visible disability or not, because there will always be kids like Joaqui in our society, whether at the malls, in  school, at the church, at the grocery especially in your neighborhood who has parents that will get hurt and deeply pained when their kids are being laughed at. Let us teach our children to learn the value of special friendships. Let us encourage kind behavior. It is never too early to teach our children about being nice at all times. They may not yet verbalize it, but they can understand it. I don't want to see any more special needs children being laughed at and bullied by other children. I’m a mom, and thi...

An 8-months premature baby boy who weighs more than 1 kilo, too small and thin, the rib cage are visible that nobody has the courage to carry you except me, who was in and out of the hospital and endured the pain from hundreds of needle inserts, is now going to a regular school and is continuing to make us proud and amazed by how you’re taking baby steps to be able to catch up with your peers. I h ope you’d understand that you don’t have to be exactly like them, I just want you to live happy and independently. You alone is a miracle when I almost give up and had fears back then that God will take you away from us. But you turned out to be a living proof that God will never give me more than I can handle and I believe that He will continue to guide us and provide for us as we take this journey hand in hand. I pray every night that the Lord will bless you with kind-hearted people who will look after you, protect you and love you when Mama and Papa are not around. Sounds morbid but I alwa...

Most of our mornings, before going to school, Joaqui has this mood swings caused by petty things. He gets easily annoyed whether it is about his breakfast, or his baon that he doesn't like, or when his school service hasn't arrived yet because he really hates waiting, or when one of his pencils is missing. One minute he's jolly, another minute he's cranky. This is something that I have to deal with a lot of patience and understanding every morning. 

Today marks my first month and 19th day since the motorcycle accident. I’ve had 21 surgical staples and 13 stitches on my left foot that underwent surgical debridement. Life is unpredictable. We’ll never know what’s gonna happen next. Anything can change in a blink of an eye, in a snap of a finger. Our lives can turn upside down in a millisecond. Ironic at times. Full of surprises. Expect the unexpected. 3 days before the accident :( Monday, 5am. I received a text message from Joaqui’s school service that he will not be able to fetch Joaqui for 2 weeks because he’s sick. Okay, I’m doomed. I didn’t anticipate this since I’ve been caught up with loads of household works, my printing deadline, the demands in spreads, not to mention that my youngest Miguel is acting up in school and he doesn’t want me to leave. I also have a spine problem so I wasn’t allowed to carry anything heavy and has been told to avoid long walks. I’m spending a couple of hours every week pra...

A child with special needs often attracts attention from the public. We always notice a side look, a stare of humiliation or whispers when they think we're not looking. I sometimes pick up a fight especially when we're in a public transportation. My husband said, "let's try to get use to it. Ganun talaga." But no, I don't think I would ever get used to it. Sometimes it gives me a lot of stress because it affects my mood. I get easily annoyed when their glance become a stare that lasted for more than 5 seconds. What more if I caught them talking inside their hands while looking at my son. I don't like to think what I'll probably do.  Joaqui looks like just a normal kid at first glance. His invisible disability gets noticed when he started to speak. He is speech delayed. He is already eleven years old but he talks like a four-year old boy. He sometimes get cranky when it's hot in the jeepney or when it's cramped. He will shout "Ouch...

There were good days and bad days. Times of celebration and frustration. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. My life as a special needs mom is like a roller coster ride, exciting yet fulfilling, over flowing with emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm hiking the most difficult terrain, not like most of the normal moms usually do. Looking around, I've got a lot of why's and how's, puzzled by who to blame or will I ever have to blame somebody for feeling like this? There were nights that I feel angry and disappointed at myself, mad at myself for being mad, frustrated at myself for being frustrated. There were nights when I don't know what to feel anymore, half numb and half oppressed by reality. There were moments when I feel like I am not enough, that what I do are still not enough, that whatever I do will never be enough. In times like this, I know, I'm certain, that I need to help myself. There will never be anyone who can make me feel good about myself but just...

It's been a while since I last visited my virtual friend. Today might have been too heavy to bear alone so here I am, saying... "Hi, it's been a while." I have trust issues. Maybe because I was betrayed for several times already. I also do not know if being a person who can easily read emotions is an advantage or disadvantage for being doubtful at times. Or maybe because having lots of judgmental, backstabber and untrustworthy people around made me uncomfortable of showing my emotions too easily. I have a few friends. Too few that my fingers on one hand is too much. It is because I couldn't tolerate having two-faced people in my life. My friends are usually my enemy at first meeting, or a person that I do not like at first glance, or the person that annoyed me before and eventually became one of my best friends. I think it is because we're alike and that we all have strong personality and too upfront. In other words, often misunderstood. I never love...