Clary Diary

Most of our mornings, before going to school, Joaqui has this mood swings caused by petty things. He gets easily annoyed whether it is about his breakfast, or his baon that he doesn't like, or when his school service hasn't arrived yet because he really hates waiting, or when one of his pencils is missing. One minute he's jolly, another minute he's cranky. This is something that I have to deal with a lot of patience and understanding every morning. 

Today marks my first month and 19th day since the motorcycle accident. I’ve had 21 surgical staples and 13 stitches on my left foot that underwent surgical debridement. Life is unpredictable. We’ll never know what’s gonna happen next. Anything can change in a blink of an eye, in a snap of a finger. Our lives can turn upside down in a millisecond. Ironic at times. Full of surprises. Expect the unexpected. 3 days before the accident :( Monday, 5am. I received a text message from Joaqui’s school service that he will not be able to fetch Joaqui for 2 weeks because he’s sick. Okay, I’m doomed. I didn’t anticipate this since I’ve been caught up with loads of household works, my printing deadline, the demands in spreads, not to mention that my youngest Miguel is acting up in school and he doesn’t want me to leave. I also have a spine problem so I wasn’t allowed to carry anything heavy and has been told to avoid long walks. I’m spending a couple of hours every week pra...

A child with special needs often attracts attention from the public. We always notice a side look, a stare of humiliation or whispers when they think we're not looking. I sometimes pick up a fight especially when we're in a public transportation. My husband said, "let's try to get use to it. Ganun talaga." But no, I don't think I would ever get used to it. Sometimes it gives me a lot of stress because it affects my mood. I get easily annoyed when their glance become a stare that lasted for more than 5 seconds. What more if I caught them talking inside their hands while looking at my son. I don't like to think what I'll probably do.  Joaqui looks like just a normal kid at first glance. His invisible disability gets noticed when he started to speak. He is speech delayed. He is already eleven years old but he talks like a four-year old boy. He sometimes get cranky when it's hot in the jeepney or when it's cramped. He will shout "Ouch...

There were good days and bad days. Times of celebration and frustration. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. My life as a special needs mom is like a roller coster ride, exciting yet fulfilling, over flowing with emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm hiking the most difficult terrain, not like most of the normal moms usually do. Looking around, I've got a lot of why's and how's, puzzled by who to blame or will I ever have to blame somebody for feeling like this? There were nights that I feel angry and disappointed at myself, mad at myself for being mad, frustrated at myself for being frustrated. There were nights when I don't know what to feel anymore, half numb and half oppressed by reality. There were moments when I feel like I am not enough, that what I do are still not enough, that whatever I do will never be enough. In times like this, I know, I'm certain, that I need to help myself. There will never be anyone who can make me feel good about myself but just...

It's been a while since I last visited my virtual friend. Today might have been too heavy to bear alone so here I am, saying... "Hi, it's been a while." I have trust issues. Maybe because I was betrayed for several times already. I also do not know if being a person who can easily read emotions is an advantage or disadvantage for being doubtful at times. Or maybe because having lots of judgmental, backstabber and untrustworthy people around made me uncomfortable of showing my emotions too easily. I have a few friends. Too few that my fingers on one hand is too much. It is because I couldn't tolerate having two-faced people in my life. My friends are usually my enemy at first meeting, or a person that I do not like at first glance, or the person that annoyed me before and eventually became one of my best friends. I think it is because we're alike and that we all have strong personality and too upfront. In other words, often misunderstood. I never love...

I thought it was just one of those ordinary tiring days. Household chores and being a mom to three boys and a small entrepreneur myself have keeping me drained and exhausted most of the time. My day starts at 4am to cook for my eldest who is now in Grade 11, then attend to Joaqui's needs, send him to school at 8:30am, then the rest of my days would be spent in numerous household chores and taking care of my small business. Every single day is mostly tiring for me. I get a little time for myself at night when the kids are all asleep, normally at around 11pm. It only means I'd be able to do the things that I wanted to do if I would stay up late which I don't have a choice if I need to do something without disturbance. I sometimes get a short nap in the afternoon whenever I had a chance. But overall, I'm lacking of rest and sleep. That week has been unusual for me. I noticed that I feel weak and get tired so easily even brushing my teeth feels so tiring that I want t...

September 24, Saturday, marks a special day for Joaqui. He was so ecstatic when we told him that we're gonna buy his hearing aid today. Let me refresh you with this post  Keeping The Faith . As soon as he get up from bed, I already told him to get ready because we're going to buy his hearing aid. He clasped his hands with wide smile and big rounded eyes, then exclaimed "Yesss! Hearing aid, Mama?" I was teary eyed, nod my head, and told him, "Oo, bibili na tayo ng hearing aid mo." You know that overwhelming feeling of a mom, when you do not know how to contain your happiness. I just want to see him wear a good class of hearing aid, and I couldn't wait to see his reaction. He underwent the fitting, the testing, and when it was finally turned on, he cheerfully whooped, looked into our eyes and beamed. He may not express by words the happiness that he feels at the moment but you can see it on his face and by the way he genuinely smiles at us....