May 29, 2017

It's Okay, Let it Out

It's been a while since I last visited my virtual friend. Today might have been too heavy to bear alone so here I am, saying... "Hi, it's been a while."

I have trust issues. Maybe because I was betrayed for several times already. I also do not know if being a person who can easily read emotions is an advantage or disadvantage for being doubtful at times. Or maybe because having lots of judgmental, backstabber and untrustworthy people around made me uncomfortable of showing my emotions too easily.

I have a few friends. Too few that my fingers on one hand is too much. It is because I couldn't tolerate having two-faced people in my life. My friends are usually my enemy at first meeting, or a person that I do not like at first glance, or the person that annoyed me before and eventually became one of my best friends. I think it is because we're alike and that we all have strong personality and too upfront. In other words, often misunderstood.

I never loved neighborhood. I do not like other people meddling with my personal life, my decisions and every bits of actions that they see. From the way I dress to the time I came home, there will always be prying eyes that greet me as soon as I step out of the gate.

There will always be judgmental people. They are everywhere.

December 18, 2016

One Scary Night for a Mom like me

I thought it was just one of those ordinary tiring days.

Household chores and being a mom to three boys and a small entrepreneur myself have keeping me drained and exhausted most of the time. My day starts at 4am to cook for my eldest who is now in Grade 11, then attend to Joaqui's needs, send him to school at 8:30am, then the rest of my days would be spent in numerous household chores and taking care of my small business.

Every single day is mostly tiring for me. I get a little time for myself at night when the kids are all asleep, normally at around 11pm. It only means I'd be able to do the things that I wanted to do if I would stay up late which I don't have a choice if I need to do something without disturbance. I sometimes get a short nap in the afternoon whenever I had a chance. But overall, I'm lacking of rest and sleep.

That week has been unusual for me. I noticed that I feel weak and get tired so easily even brushing my teeth feels so tiring that I want to sit down immediately after. I always feel dizzy and weak. I also feel this numb, tickling sensation on my palm and cheeks. I have been feeling those symptoms for more than a week already and tried to ignore them thinking that it is still bearable and that it is just over fatigue.

I over estimated my body, kept on ignoring what i feel until one night, everything seems leading to something dangerous already. My difficulty of breathing persists even though I'm just lying on the couch, well rested. The numbness on my palm rising up through my neck and cheeks up to my head. I started to feel scared when I felt the palpitation in my heart and I began to panic.

I suddenly thought about my children, especially Joaqui. I know, no one can take good care of them and love them as much as I do. Hundreds of questions hit me all in one time. Worries had eaten me up, full of anxiety. I forced myself to get up but got dizzy and went back on the couch. I told myself, I need to think straight. I shouldn't give up. I searched for my phone, texted my husband who just arrived at work. I told my eldest to call his Tito (my bro-in-law). I then was brought to the hospital immediately.

All the necessary tests were done. From lab tests to ECG. Everything appeared to be normal except for my low potassium count. I was advised to stay at the hospital but I refused thinking about my kids at home. I was asked to sign a waiver and got discharged.

I also went to a Cardiologist the day after to make sure what really happened. Another tests were done but falls to the same cause.

I eat a lot. I eat on time because I am the type of person who doesn't care about my figure (though really blessed to have fast metabolism) but eating is one of my favorite things to do. I don't like the feeling of being hungry. I eat whatever I want. I just don't eat veggies. I love meat and sweets. I do not want to deprive myself from eating. In fact, I spend a lot with food than clothes. 

I just hate to exercise. I do not enjoy any physical activity ever since as a student. I hate PE. I am not a sporty type of person, but give me something to read, you'll see my enthusiasm.

The doctors told me the do's and dont's. Prescribed me a multivitamins, told me to eat lots of banana and watermelon because it is a great source of potassium, exercise everyday and most importantly, take a rest.

I see myself as a brave woman. I look at myself as strong and independent. But honestly? That was the scariest night of my life. No, I don't fear for my life. I am not scared of death. I was scared for my kids, for my family. Because I couldn't imagine their lives without me. I have a 16 year-old son who needs my guidance. I have a 3 year-old youngest son who still clings on my nape to be able to fall asleep. And.... I have Joaqui. He is the most vulnerable child that God has entrusted me with. He has a lot of special needs which I know no one can willingly attend to except from me and his Papa. Even the nearest relatives wouldn't go out of their way to take care of him. Well, that's life. This is how it is. I already accepted the fact that no one can love him as much as we do. And that is the main reason why I still want to live. I want to live healthy and strong to be able to take good care of them. I still want to be their mom.

I said the most fervent prayer of my life. I begged the Lord for my strength, for the continuity of my life until the day that they don't need me anymore. I asked the Lord to please don't take me away for my kids. Not yet. Not this early.

Today, I feel better already. I started to take care of myself more. To be more careful of what I eat. And I'm learning to take a moment to rest. I need to be strong, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to be an effective mom, wife, sister and daughter for my family.

October 11, 2016

A Piece of Happiness

September 24, Saturday, marks a special day for Joaqui.

He was so ecstatic when we told him that we're gonna buy his hearing aid today.

Let me refresh you with this post Keeping The Faith.

As soon as he get up from bed, I already told him to get ready because we're going to buy his hearing aid. He clasped his hands with wide smile and big rounded eyes, then exclaimed "Yesss! Hearing aid, Mama?"
I was teary eyed, nod my head, and told him, "Oo, bibili na tayo ng hearing aid mo."

You know that overwhelming feeling of a mom, when you do not know how to contain your happiness. I just want to see him wear a good class of hearing aid, and I couldn't wait to see his reaction.

He underwent the fitting, the testing, and when it was finally turned on, he cheerfully whooped, looked into our eyes and beamed. He may not express by words the happiness that he feels at the moment but you can see it on his face and by the way he genuinely smiles at us.

August 27, 2016

Learn How to Choose Your Thoughts Carefully

There are people who will feed you with misleading information, one-sided opinion, edited stories, trash talks, and will manipulate your mind to get mad and your heart to be filled with anger. As much as possible I want to avoid such people who will throw negativity upon me. 

July 15, 2016

Do-It-Yourself Memo Board

I have always been fascinated with DIY ever since I was a little girl. I remember creating my own typewriter toy made from bond paper and get amused by the realistic sound it produced whenever I tap it with my fingers. I also built my own doll house made from shoe box and created toy furnitures from cartons and a doll closet out of zesto box and popsicle sticks. Yes, I'm a small-time artistic geek in my own little ways.

My DIY Memo-Board

July 10, 2016

Cheap and Easy Recipe: Home-cooked Burger Steak Meal

As a full-time housewife, I always have a feeling that I'm obliged to stretch out the budget and find affordable dishes until the next "sweldo" arrives.

My kids are picky eaters. They don't eat veggies especially if they see it in chunks. So, as much as possible, I try to incorporate one or two kinds of veggies to the viand and make it appear appealing to their eyes with the hidden veggies in it.

Home-cooked Burger Steak

July 6, 2016

"When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going"

This is a follow up post to my "project" which was tackled on my previous post entitled Keeping The Faith.

I'm starting to feel dismayed but trying to understand things straight. The loan wasn't released and needed another month of processing. We weren't approved for financial assistance at work because it wasn't about being hospitalized nor death. I was dumped by 4 people in a span of 5 days. And some left me hanging without assurance.

How would I take all of these?